sarah palin's ugly pretty ass and my peen's brush with death

rooftop libations, originally uploaded by raydemesa.

Republicans, my butt bleeds for you. Or because of you. Well, you get my point. That Sarah Palin is, like, totally gross and should take her social conservative, anti-everything-fun ass back to Alaska and race bears and shoot moose and eat her moose soups. Gross. More on that later. Anyways!

Hey man. I’ve been meaning to update days ago, but I haven’t yet apparently and I don’t really have a good excuse, except that it kinda hurts to poo. Hm…

So this photo was from that one night Special K, Karly, and I had a chill session at K’s rooftop in Koreatown with special libations from 7-Eleven a.k.a. Red Stripe in that environmentally murderous black plastic bag next to K. Many K’s in my life, yes.

Well, um, so I just got back to New York, like, yesterday and vacation in Los Angeleez was two amazings. Except that night we danced a lot and drank more than a lot and the next thing I know, I am on a hospital bed with white lights blaring all up in my face while some nurse-mandude wrestled my screaming ass down. Yeah, that part was not so hot. What I had originally written (with minor edits, i.e., not so original) the morning after but could not post because I had been so incapacitated with dehydration and shame:

“Today, I woke up in a hospital. I was so confused. When I tried to pee, it hurt really badly. Like bee-sting ouchness. I asked Kevin and he said that they had stuffed something in my urethra so I wouldn’t pee myself. Let me see if I am able to communicate the catch-22: I desperately needed to drink water to hydrate slash regulate myself out of hangover-ness, but drinking water would just induce pee to excruciatingly come out of me, like my urine turned into needles or something.”

Okay, I think I am telling this story not-so-goodly. I’m almost too embarrassed to relay it, but not enough to stay hushpuppy, I guess. Basically, I drank too much and ended up in the hospital. How this happened a.k.a. testimonies from friends because, duh, I don’t remember shit: on our way home, I ran out of Kevin’s car when we stopped at a red light and refused to get back in the car because laying on this cold dirty-ass Hollywood concrete feels so much better, apparently. Then, Noah felt that my hands were Arctic cold—like, colder than their normal Earth hands—and decided I needed more than a bed and sleep if I am to continue living. The next thing I know, I am screaming my bladder off while that very nice nurse-dude tried to tranquilize my ass telling me everything’s gonna be okay while I thought, “Who the fuck are you?! Everything is NOT going to be okay because I see needles in your hands and you are sticking them everywhere in my body, and HELL NO, I know you did NOT just try to take off my pants and stick that needle up my peen hole!” I don’t think these words had popped up my head verbatim, but these were my general feelings, and I was drifting in and out of consciousness, and I do remember this part (of all the parts I could’ve remembered!). Yeah, I was a howler monkey mess.

Anyway, I think I can totally salvage my rep. Or attempt to. I hadn’t drank hard liquor in centuries, i.e., several many months, because I’ve fallen in love with beer and do not need anything else in life. So, I guess three Long Islands was a bit much (teehee!), which thus explains thereafter me and my peen’s brush with death. Don don don! K! I kind of think I would’ve been okay just laying there in the sidewalk (or somewhere indoors and safe?) and sleeping it off, but thank goodness grace someone who understands the world better than me was there by my side. Noah, I do not deserve you.

Anyways, so yeah, California was fly. One more day that is Labor Day, and then the first day of the last year of college-ness. Say it ain’t so-whoa-whoa!

Tonight on the L, on my way to the pool, there was this girl eating Flaming Hot Cheetos and to her boo she was like, “What if they made Flaming Hot Cheetos pizza?” I’m pretty sure that’s Overheard in New York material. No? Fine.

Oh it’s so late already, but there are still some much wasteful banters I want to share! Okay, last one. Politics is, like, so crazy entertaining right now. While I was with the Mom and Pa in Vegas, I was OD’ing on CNN (well, the Olympics juice had expired apparently) and I was going to share my thoughts on the whole DNC thing and the whole Barack OBAMA-ness and the whole Sarah Palin mess. But then I didn’t apparently, and again, no good excuse I have—except that I was definitely atrophying in Vegas as I waited for my day of departure to arrive on my bed in fucking Vegas. Well, I want to share them now, k?

Well, I don’t know if it’s safe to say this, but alright I’ve decided that it is, and I hope I don’t pussy out and revise in hindsight: I am, like, so gay for OBAMA. For serious. I want him. And his name. Don’t you just want to CAPS it every time? Like, not doing so is completely unethical and rude. I've also been obsessed with LOLspeak in the recent, so let me try that again: i can plz has OHBAWMAZ? him iz filld wit teh tohtuhl cyootness nd seksness! omg wauz!! dehrr him goez agenn wit teh speeeechez wit himz beezing tohtly smartnesss nd rytness!!! i wantz to cuhdles wit OHBAWMAZ nao KTHXBAI!

My thoughts were running wild while watching the Republicans’ hilarious announcement show of the mystery VP candidate:

Republicans cheer at the darnednest thing. For example:

McCain about to introduce his VP pick: “a leader whose parents were coaches and taught their children to excel in sports.” Stupid Ugly Republican crowd: "[CHEERS!!!]" McCain: “a mother of five.” Stupid Ugly Republican crowd: "[CHEEERS!!!]"

Wtf? Big fucking deal, Cainy. My grandmother is a mother of NINE, and she was a teacher and taught her children to excel in school, so how come you bitches aren’t cheering for her? Got any other crowd-pleasing tidbits from her amazing resume? Oh, she’s a hockey mom? AND a member of PTA? Well, why didn’t you lead with that? I’m so sold. I have to say, my mother never joined that shit, so I’ll definitely want my VP to be all involved and shit, so maybe it’ll fill that gap in my life that so desperately needs filling.

Omgoodness, you could see the soccer moms in the background creaming and screaming with joyful madness when they heard that Cainy’s right-hand man is a MOTHER, and no, he ain’t talkin’ ‘bout no Thomas Beattie. (Bah! That was bad). And OMGWTF! Are thems Asians and black people I see in the crowd? What do you guys think you’re doing!? Shame. On. You.

When Sarah Palin came out of hiding and walked onto the stage, I was waiting for her to do her beauty pageant wave, but she just gave us a regular old boring woman-in-power-politics wave. How regretful. I really wish she had represented and shown us why she won Miss Congeniality years ago.

Okay, another example of darned Republican stupidity--Palin introducing her husband: "Todd is a champion snow machine racer!" Ugly Republican crowd: “[CHEERS!!!]”

What in the ferocious fuck? I’m so confused. Who fucking cares about your hubdaddy’s strange Alaskan ways! (Edit: Actually, in hindsight, snow machine racing sounds pretty cool, like, I'd like to try that shit hardbody.) Say something that’s actually standing O-worthy like why in anyone’s god’s name are you qualified to be the right-hand man (woman, whatever). I was getting heated, but also laughing my lunch out. Such good TV.

Well, I do still quite despise this Republican existence, but they do bring some good drama to the table. And the more I think about it…actually, McCain’s kinda cute—in a sugar granddaddy kind of sense. Ew, totes regretful, that one was. Teehee!